Emerging from Darkness
God is making all things new.
A year ago I felt like a single parent, was overwhelmed battling panic attacks, oppression of the mind and many other things.
No matter where I was, I felt I couldn’t trust anyone. My walls of self-protection were thick.
Exactly a year ago this week I spoke with the youth and let them know I was stepping down. I could not in good conscience keep doing the same things week after week, pretending to be okay. I was broken but needed healing and could not continue to try to lead when I was blind myself.
The thing was, from the outside, many looked up to me. I was pretty much raised in church and knew how to sit still, smile, hug, even raise a hand or two.
But what people couldn’t see—what I wouldn’t let anyone see—was the pain inside. Sure it leaked out a time or two, but I had become hyper-vigilant—trained myself—how to quickly recover so as to appear “good to go” (a good soldier “for the Lord”). It was all about keeping up appearances because who else could hold the walls up? If I let go, everything would come crashing down.
I had wrongly taken the weight of the world on my shoulders when I wasn’t even living saved myself (I lived as an orphan, wandering to and fro in mind and heart).
In the midst of the darkness, I wrote Break Free. I longed to see myself as God saw me: His daughter, redeemed and whole. At the time, I couldn't. Because one can't be made whole when in pieces, wondering if they are truly loved.
Fall/winter of 2019 God said enough of this facade, and just when I thought I’d laid everything down, He revealed more things I was attached to, death-gripped to; some good things but not meant to keep. Some were unhealthy patterns, some were means of income but left me lacking peace.
Some were relationships I was attached to, some were old mindsets that kept boxing God in, expecting Him to show up in the ways He always had.
But I had a choice: drop those things or stay the same and die in this condition of fixer-mentality.
But what the enemy meant for evil God wants for Himself, to redeem and run with. This fixer-gal has surrendered her tools and is learning to battle the right way, by pure prayer and untainted worship. And golly, has God shown up!!
2020 has been life-changing.
Where some see death, I see LIFE.
The constant fluster of years before that had me doing things in the name of Jesus but lacking His power are no longer bossing me around.
The memories of hurts are being redeemed to testify to HIS goodness.
The faulty foundation of long ago is being excavated and made completely NEW. But the excavation is no vacation!
If you want to run after the ways of the Lord, be prepared to learn a new level of trust!
Recently, everything appeared to be crashing to the ground again (those waves) but God was in the midst of this too.
(Peter, we need to chat soon. Meet me by the docks in Heaven—or atop the water if you like).
Y’all, don’t fear change. Sometimes it’s the very thing the Lord uses to purge things from our lives that no longer fit who we are (because we are NEW in Christ!)
Don’t let where you are now and the (in)visible results tell you who you are or where you’ll be.
There’s too much we don’t know to try to be god of our own lives.
If I had continued on last year & this year determined to “keep” all that God was and is asking me let go of (we think He’s being selfish but it’s His tender, personal care of us) I would still be in survival mode, but though it looks like our hands are empty, they are empty to be able to receive the Lord’s best.
To receive His best we can’t be afraid to let go, y’all. When we do, and we’re willing to say “I am yours, Father,” we will eventually see His ways are truly trustworthy!!!!
God is making all things new, including the way I write.
I can feel pain fading, those places being made whole with life and joy abundantly. I can tell in the way I write, including the next book to be released December 2nd.
God's light and purity is rooting within, and I am thankful for a chance to truly live for Him.